It’s Not All Roses

Early this morning I was woken up by Jayson coming home from work. He crawled into bed next to me and pulled me back against him. “Are we okay?,” he whispers in my ear. It has become a daily question he asks me. My answer is always, to some degree, yes we are okay. He wants to know if my posts on facebook have been about him lately. They have. They are pictures and quotes about how a man works so hard to get a girl, but stops showing her once he has her. Fitting really. He rolls over and lets me fall back to sleep.
Hours later, I go to talk to him about it. It turned into our biggest argument yet. He feels like number two, that Micah has moved into the number one spot in my heart. Some days, it’s true. I have tried to keep my men equal in my heart, because equal time just doesn’t happen. But, Micah has moved to number one and I feel bad for this.
I cried a lot today. I seem one tear from Jayson. He doesn’t want to lose me. I don’t want to lose him. But, something has been missing lately. He doesn’t look at me like he loves me, he doesn’t touch me like he used to, and sex has begun to feel like I’m not involved. Just a hole.
I told Jayson all about how Micah makes me feel. In short, he makes me feel wonderful. He looks at me like he’s afraid I’ll disappear any moment. Like he’s been in the desert and I’m a tall glass of ice water. He is utterly amazing.
I’m not sure what to do with my men. They both have asked me to marry them at separate times. For now, my answer is that I have to get divorced first (my husband and I have been separated for two years and 2000 miles). But, I received some papers from a lawyer, so that excuse will soon be unusable.
The only thing I know 100%, is that I love them both and cannot stand the thought of loosing either one.

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A Night Out with Micah

I don’t get as much time with Micah as I would like. I live with Jayson, and have three kids (one being barely a month old and Jayson’s) so my time to be free is highly limited. I get out in the afternoons sometimes and Micah does meet with me and the kids for lunch or to walk around the mall. So, I love him for his understanding in this area.
You see, our *V* coupledom isn’t very even. I do try to show both men that I love them evenly. Which I do, for different reasons. I do tend to put Jayson’s feelings and time first. Living together kinda mandates that. I see Micah while Jayson is asleep during the day, or at work at night. Now that I’m on leave from work, that has become slightly harder, because the kids just can’t watch themselves. So, I have to arrange with Jayson to keep the kids so that I can go out with Micah. I always feel bad when I am getting ready to go, like I am being heartless and not taking Jayson’s feelings into consideration, but I need my time with Micah to make the badness of the week seem not so bad. I make sure to text Jayson a couple of times while I’m out, just so he knows that he is still on my mind.we are
My nights with Micah start at like 11 pm, after I have made sure my older two kids are fast asleep and will not hassle Jayson while I am at work. We go to the bar where a group of our co-workers are (sidenote: this is an area of contention with Jayson as he feels like going out where people from work can see us will make them talk about it and think that he is an idiot for putting up with me. I tell him who cares what they “think”. I’m not cheating, we are all 3 consenting adults. Our sex/love lives aren’t their business), after a few drinks we usually go back to Micah’s apartment and have a pretty good make-out session. And I say make-out session because I just had a baby not to long ago and by doctors orders, I’m not supposed to have sex. Now, yes I already broke that order a few times with Jayson at home, but that’s different because any mess that would be a side effect (think sex on a period) could be easily cleaned up, and Jayson seemed okay with it since he has been through this a few times with kids from his marriage. Micah, on the other hand, I have no idea how he would handle the hot mess that sex could become. I never asked.
Lucky me, all systems were a go this week, no mess to be seen and dear god I wanted that man’s body in the absolute worst way. And I was not disappointed at all. Micah makes my body sing. Which sounds pretty stupid lol, but for lack of better writing skills, that’s what you get. My whole body reacts to him in an amazing way. He makes me feel absolutely beautiful and wanted from the beginning to the end. And then afterwards, we lay there (usually naked) talking, laughing, and kissing each other randomly as our breathing returns to normal and we are able to move again.
This time was a little different, because Micah told me he wants me to just be with him. He wants to go to sleep next to me and wake up with me in his arms. And my heart skipped, because I would love to do that. But I love Jayson and can’t see my life without him in it.
I really wish that the men in my life were better friends and more open to living together, all of us. That would be absolutely ideal for me. And I have said as much to both of them. To which I usually get the proverbial pat on the head and sympathetic smile. All I can do, is keep loving them both and hoping that it gets easier eventually.

Why cant you just pick me?

How do triad relationships get past that question? I guess the really good ones don’t ever deal with it. Unfortunately, I have been getting this question, in one form or another, quite often the last two months or so.
Originally, it was only Jayson pushing me on it. And I only use “pushing” for lack of better term at the moment. Granted, I do live with Jayson, and I just recently gave birth to his son, so I can see why he asks me about it. But, I love Micah just as much and to lose him would kill something inside of me.
But now Micah is dropping similar hints to me. Subtle like. He has asked me to move out of Jayson’s house, but not to move in with him. He has made comments about me having his last name and how good it sounds. Then last night he asked me how many brownie points he would get if he was able to give me the daughter.
Now to an outsider, that seems kind of weird. But you have to understand, I have three kids….all boys and I really want a little girl. Desperately. But then there are the issues with trying to explain to everyone how our relationship works. My family knows all about it, and they like to ask me questions. Jayson’s and Micah’s family have no real idea what’s going on.
This post really hasn’t had a point. I just needed to ramble for a minute. There is so much going on in our triad that I just need to vent a bit. I feel like I can’t really talk to Micah and Jayson because they are slightly biased.

Why Polyamoric V? What’s that mean?

As far as I have been able to find, there are two main types of triads. (triad = 3 person couple). There is the “V”, which is what I consider myself to be in, and the triangle.
The V seems to be most popular with couples that are more male-female-male, again, this is what I have noticed when I have browsed the internet. I think that the reason this is, is because in the V the dynamic is more like I’m seeing Micah, and I’m seeing Jayson, but Micah and Jayson are not seeing each other. If you asked either one of them about our relationship, they would call themselves my boyfriend and usually have a version of 2nd boyfriend to label the other, if they chose to bring him up at all. They would never consider calling each other boyfriend. Which I would find oddly cute if they did. But, that’s another story.
The triangle is where everyone is equal with everyone. No matter which part of the triad you ask, they are all boyfriends/girlfriends. Which is why I think, they seem to be more female-male-female. It seems more socially acceptable for two girls to be together, then two men. Plus, I have found that men like to be dominant and in charge in most everything. Now, put two of them in a relationship and it is a constant struggle for balance. Easier to be a V and keep them apart more or less.
If you find it strange that I use the internet to find information about how to handle my relationship, I ask you why? Doesn’t a “normal” couple do the same thing more or less, by seeking advice from friends and loved ones? Or by looking up sex tricks or things to make their other half happier on the web? I just happen to look up things specifically for my use. I’m curious as to how many triads survive and are happy for the long-term? How do they make it work? In my triad, I feel like things are starting to slip in some areas. That I’m losing ground instead of gaining it. That I’m hurting more than making happy. But, I can’t seem to let go of either of the men that I love. Selfish? Maybe.

Why do you need two? Isn’t one enough?

This was the question my grandmother gave me when my aunt who lives with me decided to tell my family that I was seeing two men at the same time. It was a conversation that I wasn’t prepared for to say the least. Besides we weren’t even talking about me at that time, we were talking about my crazy aunt!! And she turns and says “Well, Joss has two boyfriends.” And just like that I was in the spotlight. Stuck trying to explain.

I don’t think there is much of an explanation. I’m not sure I really need one at times. But, I see how some people react to things that are different, and it automatically puts me on the defense. I love my guys. Both of them. I don’t want to lose one. And I’m not particularly fond of the idea of sharing them with someone else either. Which seems a bit hypocritical, but hey, it’s the truth.

I never intended to fall for them both. I never even meant to really fall for one of them. I was just looking for fun.

My husband had left about 6 months ago and I was working and raising my two kids on my own, with help from my family. I just wanted to get laid. As vulgar as that sounds. I was talking to a couple different guys. I didn’t want anything serious. But, as the saying goes, expect the unexpected.

They both became my friend first, then more. And when one decided to make a serious move, and by serious, I mean he moved in with me. I realized I was in love with both of them. So, Jayson moved in with me, and I still got to keep Micah. Both we now aware of the other, and everything seemed to be good.

Jayson only asked me not to bring Micah into our bed. Fair enough, I could live with that. And Micah was okay with that too.

After about two months of living together, Jayson moved out. He couldn’t get along with my aunt. So we decided that until we could get other childcare for my kids, it would be best for him to not stay with me anymore. Which, let me just add, I hated the idea. But, on the flip side, I would get more time with Micah.

This is where my aunt decided to tell my family.

My “normal” aunt (I say normal, because I consider my aunt who lives with me borderline crazy) just wanted to know how Jayson was okay with my being with Micah and not wanting to kill me. She asked a lot of valid questions. Things that made me think about my relationships a little deeper. I’m not sure of our future. We are all just going with it right now. It’s something new for all of us. You know, pretty much how a normal two person couple progresses, only we are three.

My grandmother, on the other hand, let me know that she thought I was more or less a slut. And how can I treat my relationships with two men any different then how my mom cheated on my dad for years. And I hated her for it. How am I any better? After the initial sting, I tried to explain that it’s different because we all are aware of the situation. I don’t hide anything from Jayson or Micah. They can both ask me anything, they can both read any texts in my phone, honesty is the key to making it all work. One lie would hurt everything.

She doesn’t get it.

Hell most days, I’m not sure I do. I just know how I feel when I am with both of them. Jayson is my strength, my family guy. I can tell him anything about my past and I know he will still love me and won’t judge me. Micah is my release, my vacation guy. If I am having a bad day, he’s who I can go to when I just want to smile. They do have crossover into each others areas, but for the most part, they are two halves to my perfect guy.

I just wish sometimes that we could all live together. Maybe one day, we’ll get there.

What is polyamory?

“Polyamory  (from Greek πολυ [ poly , meaning many or several] and Latin amor  [literally “love”]) is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. The term polyamory is sometimes abbreviated to poly , and is sometimes described as consensual, ethical,  or responsible non-monogamy . The word is sometimes used more broadly to refer to relationships that are not sexually exclusive, though there is disagreement on how broadly it applies.

Polyamory can refer to the practice or status of a relationship at a given time, or used as a description of a lifestyle, philosophy or relationship orientation (much like gender orientation), rather than of an individual’s actual relationship status at a given moment. It is an umbrella term that covers many orientations and modes of relationship. There is fluidity in its definition to accommodate the different shades of meaning which might be covered. Polyamorous relationships are themselves varied, reflecting the choices and philosophies of the individuals concerned.”

You can find the rest of this at: http://www.reference.com/browse/polyamory

I decided to start this blog because I wanted to be able to put all my findings about polyamory in one place as well as talk about my own relationship. Albeit, semi-anonymously. I am finding that I need a way to vent and possibly connect with other “couples” that are in similar situations. Each day is a new day, a new trial, a new reward. Dating one person is hard, dating two is …. wow. There are times I feel like I am literally going crazy.

With all that being said….Welcome to my blog. Or my ramblings….however you decide to take it 🙂